The first thing I ever wrote

I was looking through my memory box (A drawer in which I keep all my old stuff) a while ago and I found a piece of paper, I unfolded it and it was something I wrote when I was in the seventh grade. I read it and had the biggest smile on my face. It wasn’t a great article, but it showed what kind of person I’ve always been.

This is the translation of what’s written on that piece of paper:

“Do you think it’s easy to ride your bicycle and go for a ride?

 Do you know what do you need to go for a ride on your bike?

1-      You need enough money to buy a bike

2-      You need to know a store that sells bikes

3-      You need to have the knowledge to choose the bike that suits you best

4-      You need proper shoes to wear while riding your bike

5-      You need proper clothes to dress while riding the bile

6-      You need time to learn how to ride a bike
7-      You need a decent road to ride the bike
7b- You need a garden or a nice place to ride the bike to

8-      You need bandages and sterilizers in case you fell off the bike

9-      You need a house with a shower to wash up after riding the bike

10-   You need soap, water, a towel, and new clothes to wear after that shower

11-   You need a comb to comb your hair with after the shower

12-   You need a place to store your bike and a good lock so thieves won’t steal it

And finally, you need a government that can make all that possible

Do you still think it’s easy to ride your bicycle and go for a ride?”

I was a kid when I wrote that, and you can see it’s not the best piece of art, but what I love about it is that it shows clearly that I was going to grow up and be the person I am now. It shows how I’ve always had no hope in the current Syrian regime, and that I’ve always been disappointed in how Syria was.

أول شيء كتبته

لم تجر العادة أن أنشر ما أكتبه باللغة العربية و ستكون هذه المرة الأولى التي أقوم بها بنشر شيء بلغتي الأم

كنت أعبث بجرار ذكرياتي حيث أبقي أشيائي القديمة ذات القيمة المعنوية الكبيرة لي عندما وجدت قطعة ورق صغيرة, فتحتها و قرأت ما بها مبتسما. كانت مقالة صغيرة كنت قد كتبتها و أنا في الصف السابع (الأول الاعدادي) و نسيت أمرها الى الآن.

ليست المقالة ذات معان مهمة أو ابداع لغوي و لكنها أظهرت أني كنت طوال عمري ممتعضا من أداء الحكومة و النظام الحاكم في بلدي سوريا

سأنقل ما قد كتبت في تلك الورقة دون تعديل:

"تظن أنه من السهل أن تركب دراجتك و تذهب في نزهة. هل تدري ماذا تحتاج لتستطيع أن تذهب بنزهة على دراجتك؟

1-      تحتاج النقود الكافية لشراء الدراجة

2-      تحتاج أن تعرف مكانا لبيع الدراجات

3-      تحتاج لمعرفة بالدراجات لتختار الدراجة التي تناسبك

4-      تحتاج حذاء لتلبسه عند ركوبك الدراجة

5-      تحتاج ملابس لائقة لركوب الدراجة

6-      تحتاج وقتا لتعلم ركوب الدراجة

7-      تحتاج طريقا جيدا لتركب عليه الدراجة

7َ- تحتاج حديقة أو مكانا جميلا لتذهب اليه

8-      تحتاج بعض الضمادات و المعقمات في حال وقعت عن الدراجة

9-      تحتاج بيتا فيه حمام لتستحم بعد ركوب الدراجة

10-   تحتاج صابونا و ماء و منشفة و ملابس جديدة بعد استحمامك

11-   تحتاج مشطا لتمشط شعرك بعد الاستحمام

12-   تحتاج مكانا لتخبئة دراجتك فيه و قفلا محكما لمنع اللصوص من سرقتها

و أخيرا... تحتاج حكومة تحقق لك كل ذلك...

فهل ما تزال تظن أن ركوب الدراجة و الذهاب في نزهة أمر سهل؟"

كنت طفلا عند كتابتي هذه السطور و بامكانك ملاحظة ركاكة الأسلوب و التكرار و بعض الأخطاء اللغوية, لكن بنفس الوقت يظهر بشكل جلي مدى الجدية و الازعاج الموجودين في شخصي بذلك السن و هو الأمر الذي لم يتغير و لن يتغير الا بعد حصول التغيير المنشود في سوريا

Chapter Twelve : Back to square one

The UN observers suspended their mission in Syria since the violence has increased in the past few days, and they’re staying in their hotels doing nothing now. Sounds familiar, doesn’t it? The exact same thing happened to the Arab League observers’ mission few months ago, and now comes the part where the regime’s killing machine is loose to cause death and destruction all over Syria.  That’s what experience tells us.

June 17^th, 2012, First day without the observers running around taking notes. Nothing strange happened today anywhere near me. The same amount of daily shelling we’ve been through the past few days.

June 18^th, Cellphones networks are down. We saw that one coming since the regime only connected cellphones and 3G when the UN observers arrived in Homs. Now that they’re gone, coverage went with them. No one watching = No communications.

June 19^th, news about a Russian ship being held in Europe that was heading to Syria with military helicopters and other heavy artillery. We’re glad this ship didn’t make it through since the regime’s been using helicopters to attack villages for a while.

More news from Russia, this time about actual marines coming to protect the Russian interests in Tartus. I certainly hope no one comes, and if they do, I hope they never go back alive. Russia is supporting the regime politically, and sending Assad all kinds of weapons to kill us, and now sending marines? That’s invasion.

Enough about Russia, we woke up with no electricity, and that lasted for five and a half hours. A heat wave has been around for a few days now and without AC our lives turned into actual hell.

Heavy shelling started, but not any heavy shelling, things I never heard before were happening. 11 missiles were launched in 4 seconds, then another wave of 19 missiles, then 22, then 14 more missiles. All that happened in few seconds. Not minutes, seconds. God knows what happened where all those missiles hit.

No cellphones, 3G, or Dial up for the second day.

June 20^th, the numbers of casualties are increasing every day. The attacks have become more vicious than ever all over Syria. Still no cellphones, 3G, or Dial up.

June 21^st, A Mig 21 fighter jet arrived in Jordan and the pilot asked for the right of asylum which was granted for him. That’s good news but I believe the regime will get the jet back.

Cellphones worked for a couple of hours after 8:30 PM, but 3G is still not working.

More than 120 deaths in Syria today.

June 23^rd, a tank, a Shilka, and two pickup trucks filled with armed security forces came to my neighborhood around 9 AM, and they targeted Jorat Al Shayyah for an hour and a half then left without being attacked by anyone since they’re in an area filled with civilians. That’s how the regime’s forces use civilians as shields, their tanks attack from inside inhabited areas so the FSA can’t fire back.

At 11:30 it started raining and the weather changed.

10 PM, heavy close shelling caused my house to shake with every shell being launched.

June 24^th, I went to Waar, and on my way I found four spots where the tank was attacking from. The tank leaves two big circle marks on the ground where it attacks, and that’s how the streets of my neighborhood were ruined.

June 25^th, I went to Midan, and saw the destruction there and it was beyond what I imagined, and that ruined my day. A while after that I got a call about one of my relatives who was killed in Old Homs. He left three kids and his wife behind, then news about one of my friends being injured with a shred of mortar in his leg. This is a very bad morning.

Cellphones worked for a few hours then got disconnected again.

I then saw a big water spraying vehicle accompanied by two security forces pickups heading to Waar, knowing that I never say the water spraying vehicle in action. I don’t think they’ve ever used it as they go straight to shooting at protestors here.

The daily death toll has become 70-130 a day, yet the world is still okay with it.

June 26^th, new cement barriers were installed all over the main Ghouta street and Kurnich street isolating parts of Hamra and Ghouta even more than they already are.

Still no cellphones or 3G. We got used to that once again.

June 27^th, a huge truck filled with armed soldiers and two big machines guns in the back crossed my neighborhood towards the street that takes us to Jorat Al Shayyah.

Once again cellphones worked for a few hours. I honestly think it’s better if they stop connecting and disconnecting them. Keep them disconnected is easier for us. I don’t even take my phone with me when I leave the house anymore, unless I want to take pictures of listen to music.

June 28^th, a tank arrived at 11:15 AM and started shooting near the healthcare center, then moved close to the Red Crescent storage facilities and targeted Jorat Al Shayyah again from there. I heard rapid machine gun shooting coming from that area as well.

9 PM, the sounds of tank shooting, mortar being launched, and a sniper created a symphony of destruction in my neighborhood.

120 deaths all over Syria today.

June 29^th, the same thing that happened yesterday. The tank arrived at the same time and it targeted the same areas then left. Kids in my neighborhood now know when to wait for the tank to watch it shooting, and to swear at the soldiers from far away.

2:40 PM, Security forces came into my completely empty street and started shooting. This happened many times before and I think they’re just bored and are shooting for fun.

June 30^th, the last day of the month went with more than 100 casualties all over Syria. Douma has fallen in the hands of the regime’s army after weeks of shelling and tens of deaths.

A martyr’s funeral was targeted in Zamalka in Damascus leaving 70-80 new martyrs. This happened many times in Syria in the past months, people going to bury a martyr end up getting buried the very next day. We still can’t bury our dead in peace.

I believe there is no humanity left in the regime anymore; it has become a beast with an unlimited blood thirst, and it shall be put down by any means necessary.

A meeting in Geneva happened and we all didn’t get our hopes up since the world has been failing us one time after another for the past 16 months. They came up with a new plan which I know that it’s going to fail sooner than later. Russia is still holding on to Assad and will keep sending him weapons and supporting him with all it’s got. We only have ourselves and the FSA now. 133 deaths today.

July 1^st, the day started with a new type of shelling. The rockets that are being used are causing so much noise, and I haven’t heard such noise before. Some are saying the regime’s using Grad missiles now, but I’m not sure. All I know is that a very loud explosion sound is heard every 30 minutes or so since 6 AM.

I went to another neighborhood to go online, and during that time I read news about security forces attacking my street. I went home and my parents told me what happened. A big truck filled with armed security forces came in and started shooting randomly and people in the street started running in all directions in panic. The vehicle then left the street and headed to a street nearby and did the exact same thing. This terrorism must end. We’re not afraid of it anymore. We will face it and end it all no matter what. The new path of our movement is clear now. I am convinced that there is no other way but to support the FSA in their fight against Assad’s forces.

July 2^nd, I went to Damascus. It was quiet and disgusting. Most people are still living like nothing is going on, and this has to change immediately.

July 3^rd, I went to Inshaat and saw the destruction there. Didn’t take any photos or videos since I know everything’s been filmed before many times. However, seeing things in person is nothing like seeing videos or photos. I saw parts of Baba Amr and there are no words I can use to describe how awful it is.

July 5^th, yet another day that I won’t forget. I woke up at 4:30 AM to go get bread but since the shelling started at 3:30 AM, and there is nearby shooting I decided not to go. I opened my window and saw three security forces vehicles. A white pickup truck, a blue “police” vehicle, and the “Assad’s Syria” green vehicle that I saw so many times before. Armed security forces were all over my street and the next street as well. I’m glad I didn’t go out. Some of them walked around shooting for a couple of minutes then they went in their cars and left at 6 AM, except for the white pickup. A while later I was able to go back to sleep.

I woke up around 11:30, and was about to go out when I heard a helicopter. It sounded so clear and so close. It was about 12:30 when the helicopter fired a missile. The explosion was scary and I saw smoke from my balcony, and small rocks and dirt covered the street and hit my apartment’s windows. I looked up but couldn’t see the helicopter. I went out immediately, and heard the helicopter coming back. I saw its tail and heard a small explosion then it disappeared behind the buildings. I headed to where the explosion noises came from and on my way I saw cars smashed. I took a picture of one and a man told me to hide my phone because there is an armor vehicle nearby and security forces wearing normal clothes instead of uniforms.

I hid my phone and kept walking and saw the dirt all over the street next to the one that was hit and heard some people talking about injuries. I kept walking and saw where the missile hit. The street was destroyed and many cars were hit. One of them was cut in half, and the two halves were very far apart and from the looks of it, one part flew away and hit a building before it landed under it. I’m not sure what happened and I don’t think anyone really is since the street was empty. The ones who were injured weren’t in the same street because if they were, they would’ve been killed and torn to pieces.

The missile hit right in front of Al Khayrat mosque which was empty since there was no prayer at the time.

I went online after that and posted about what I just witnessed including seeing a tank and an armor vehicle in Hamra, and another tank in Ghouta. Those tanks didn’t open fire

 A friend who lives there told me that electricity is gone, and then we lost electricity as well, and therefore we lost internet connection too. I went back home but passed by the targeted street once again and saw a Red Crescent ambulance and an electricity truck fixing the harmed wires. I saw that the street where the missile hit have a pond in it now after water filled the hole. I wonder when those pipes will get fixed.

I had dinner at home and went out again and talked to some people who actually saw the helicopter opening fire. They said they saw the missile being launched but none of them had a video or a photo of it.

Of course this barely made it into the news since other areas in Homs have been getting hundreds of missiles every hour since early morning like Jorat Al Shayyah, Qusoor, and Karabis.

I saw trails of black smoke all over Qusoor in the afternoon.

July 6^th - 10^th, those days saw a new amount of tank, helicopter, and missile attacks on Jorat Al Shayyah and Qusoor. The attacks start around 3 AM and continue all day. Most of my neighborhood is closed and security forces are always present. Various vehicles come and go. They stay around all day and all night, and they open fire randomly every now and then. My area isn’t a good place to be anymore.

July 11^th, I went to Waar and military helicopters were all over that area all day. A security check point stopped me on my way back home and the one who checked my car looked 19. He gave me a weird look and told me to step down so he can “See my height”, then he took me to his boss who kept my ID for a few moments asked another person to “take me”. They walked me for a few seconds, stopped me and showered me with questions. Where I was, where I was going, why am I going there, and what am I going to do. They asked about my house, my job, my age, etc. The higher officer then looked at me and told them to let me go and gave me my ID back. The only reason they did all this is because that young man didn’t like the way I look. Some people get caught like this then disappear and show up tortured or killed afterwards. It’s not my time I guess.

July 12^th, two massacres in the morning, one in the afternoon and a major one at night. The last massacre occurred in a village near Hama called Tremseh which harvested more than 220 souls. I completely lost all hope in any political peaceful change in Syria. It’s all up to FSA now.

July 13^th, the tank comes a bit late this morning, shoots and leaves like always. Black smoke is all over Qusoor and Jorat Al Shayyah, and some new areas around Mimas.

In the afternoon I was able to see huge columns of black smoke over Jorat Al Shayyah and Karabis and the smoke kept on coming up from those areas for hours after the shelling stopped.

July 14^th, the tank that usually comes to Ghouta came of course, then a second tank followed, and they kept coming, opening fire, and leaving all day, and I’m not sure how many tanks actually came anymore since I lost track because they really did come and leave a lot.

5:30 PM, the attacks got more frequent from those tanks then they left around 6, then came again opened fire and left.

My area has become a playfield for tanks and security forces are always around with their vehicles and pickup trucks, and of course their guns. This changed a lot in the past few days, to the worse, and we’re waiting for something to happen and change all that.

A message to Trent Reznor.

Dear Mr. Reznor

My name is Alaa, and I’m a 28 years old guy from Homs – Syria. If you follow international news then you know what kind of trouble we’re in here. We went out demanding freedom and democracy in March 15^th2011, and the regime’s been killing us with every way possible. Tanks, mortar, helicopters, machineguns, you name it!

Now that I’ve done the “who” and the “where”, I’ll do the “what”.

I am a big fan of your work. Nine Inch Nails has been a major influence in my life since I discovered With Teeth in 2005, your lyrics spoke to me and your music touched my soul.

In 2007 you released Year Zero, and it was about the year 2012, and you even mentioned Syria in one of the Year Zero websites. Of course I grabbed that record the day it was out and enjoyed it a lot, but now it’s something different. It’s something much bigger than it was in 2007.

I hear the tracks on that record now and they tell exactly what we’re going through here. Syria 2012 is Year Zero. Songs like The Good Soldier, Survivalism, and The Beginning of the End are our lives these days.

My Violent Heart is really MY violent heart.

In fact, I used one of the Year Zero “resistance meeting” quotes. “WAKE UP AND GIVE A SHIT!” hoping the world would care more and do its part towards us.

Now I wanna go a bit deeper, into my own soul. If I had the potential to make a record that tells what I’ve been feeling since the uprising began, I would’ve written the entire Downward Spiral. I now enjoy that record in a whole new level. Songs like Piggy and Ruiner say everything I want to say. Listening to the entire album before going out in peaceful demos gives me so much strength and hope. I even made a “Nothing can stop me now sign”, too bad I couldn’t use it yet.

Mr. Reznor. I just wanted to show you how much your music helps me personally to deal with this cruel world we live in, and wanted to thank you for the amazing music and lyrics you keep putting out and not just in NIN but in HTDA and the amazing movie scores you’ve been doing.

Thank you sir.

PS. I was lucky enough to see NIN live in Turkey back in 2009. Also, I didn’t mention many songs from the rest of your records so I can keep the message as small as possible.

Chapter Eleven: The Blue Hats Effect.

The Syrian regime promised the UN/AL envoy Kofi Annan to execute his plan and ceasefire starting April 12^th at 6 AM.

I woke up to see if the regime will do what they promised, and I must say that I didn’t hear a single gunshot all morning. I know this regime too well, and I know they might break their promise at any point, but I took an oath to write what I witness and not lie about it, and in this case, the regime did what they promised. The soldiers, security forces members, and vehicles are still everywhere, but there’s no shelling or shooting anywhere.

I received calls telling me about hearing gunshots in far away areas in Homs but no one knew if anybody was hurt or where exactly the shooting took place, but that doesn’t mean the regime broke their promise yet. I shall wait and see how things will turn out, hoping for a major demonstration tomorrow even if I can’t join it since I still am suffering from my back injury and can hardly leave the bed on my own.

Some areas in Syria aren’t as quiet, and people are still getting killed. Ceasefire wasn’t executed completely in many places, but that didn’t stop some families to go back to their houses to check them out after the shelling stopped in their neighborhoods like in Jorat Al Shayyah which has been targeted for weeks before today.

I heard a couple of gunshots at night near my street but that was over very quickly, and I heard people talking about some tanks firing in other areas but I didn’t hear any sounds and no one I trust confirmed the news to me.

April 13^th, another quiet morning, only a couple of gunshots were heard in my neighborhood but no one was hurt. Unlike the past few Fridays, security forces didn’t attack the area and didn’t occupy the streets, and there were no shelling at all, and that helped the people to go in demonstrations. I saw four demos after the prayer, and that sure brought back memories.

I couldn’t join any demo because as I said earlier, I still can hardly walk on my own because of my back injury. I went out to the balcony and saw the demos with a big smile on my face.

Not shooting at people will cause huge demonstrations all over Syria, and that’s what the regime doesn’t want, and that’s why Security Forces attacked demos since March 15^th 2011 and caused the mess we’ve been living in for more than a year. I want things to be different now, but I’m not optimistic because I know this regime well. They won’t allow peaceful demonstrations no matter what. They will attack and kill more to prevent us from saying what we want. The only difference now is that the Security Council will be watching closely, even though it was crippled many times by the Russian and Chinese VETOs before.

4:30 PM, rapid shooting could be heard clearly everywhere in the city.

6 PM, shelling is back to many areas in Homs including Qusoor, Jorat Al Shayyah, and Karabis.

7 PM, shelling sounds are getting louder and shooting got much closer to my neighborhood.

9 PM, the shelling sounds are fading away but I can still hear shooting.

The rest of the night was quiet, but the plan to ceasefire didn’t go well. Shooting in the first day and heavy shelling and shooting in the second.

April 14^th, the quiet mornings are over, and the horrible shelling sounds and smoke clouds are back at the same rate like Annan and his ceasefire plan didn’t even exist.

The same view I saw back in April 3^rd and 4^th. Buildings being hit by missiles and getting destroyed in two different areas.

I knew this was coming, yet I couldn’t help but to feel overwhelmed.

Shelling continued until 8 PM, and my area was dead quiet after that, with the exception of a couple of gunshots every few hours.

April 15^th, shelling started earlier than the past two days and kept going till 4 PM. Khaldieh was targeted viciously, along with Qusoor and Karabis.

I went to Waar for a couple of hours and was stopped by two security barriers where they checked my ID. I was able to check my email and send some tweets while I was there, and of course I heard the missiles being launched from Waar towards Khaldieh like I did many times before.

Back in Ghouta cellphones are still not working, and the sounds of shelling and shooting was all over the neighborhood. Many were buying food when I came back home.

The night was about the same as the previous night. Shelling stopped around 10 PM and the rest of it was quiet.

April 16^th, Shelling and shooting started early in the morning and kept going until around 6 PM. 55 were killed in Syria today. I keep wondering if I misunderstood the term “ceasefire”. Nothing has been ceased in Syria yet.

April 17^th, today marks the first year anniversary of a big massacre in Homs, and the regime repeats the same thing today. More than 55 were killed in the shelling in Syria today. Ceasefire is still out of sight.

April 18^th, the day of the first and greatest sit-in in Homs. I was there last year and witnessed how things turned out. The memory of the most noticeable day in the modern history of my city will remain with me forever. I spent the day in Waar after we left Ghouta in the morning while unbelievable shelling was in progress. The regime increased the daily dose of shelling on Homs in this day in purpose to kill people’s hope on going back to Freedom Square. Yet we all know that we will return there someday soon.

The night in Waar was quiet but the rest of the city wasn’t.

April 19^th, Waar area is quiet and filled with people. Internet is working but the cellphones networks got disabled in the morning. So now the entire city has no cellphone coverage and most of it has no internet. But we’re all used to it as it’s been almost 3 months.

I went to Ghouta in the afternoon and I started hearing the shelling sounds half way there. They didn’t stop all day and night. Waar is still a somewhat safe area where people can find shelter and supplies.

I went to bed early as I couldn’t sleep the two previous nights.

April 20^th started with heavy shelling and I saw black smoke mushrooms in many areas. Smoke clouds were all over Qusoor and Karabis.

April 22^nd – 29^th, as two of the UN observers stayed in Homs, the city remained calm. No heavy shelling, but some explosions could be heard sometimes. Shooting was minimal as well, but civilians kept on getting killed. Other cities like Hama and Duma took some big hits as Homs was resting.

I am waiting for the rest of the UN observers to arrive in hope of starting going out in huge demos without getting attacked by security forces.

On April 30^th, the leader of the UN observers arrived in Damascus, and that night shelling in Homs was back to the amount we used to have before the observers arrived in the city. The shelling and shooting didn’t stop all night. So now I am wondering if they have achieved anything. The killing didn’t stop not one day, and the shelling wasn’t gone more than a week. And now we’re back in the vicious circle of violence once more.

April was over and we’ve seen a couple of calm days in it, but as May came everything went back to how it was before the UN observers arrive to Homs. The numbers of casualties started to increase every day.

May 9^th 2012 was the night when things went back completely. Unbelievable shelling sounds coming from 3 or 4 different areas in Homs. I counted 36 explosions in 20 minutes that night.

May 10^th, I woke up to a very scary sound coming from my balcony, and people in the streets told me not to worry as they’ve heard such noise before. A sniper’s bullet hit my AC causing the release of its gas and oil quickly which sounded really loud and created a big steam like cloud for a few seconds. I had the AC fixed later for 80 dollars.

May 11^th was a Friday, and I saw a demonstration in my neighborhood. It ended quickly as security forces weren’t far away and shelling didn’t stop.

May 15^th, a small war happened in my street between security forces and the buildings’ walls. No FSA or any armed resistance was involved.

May 16^th, the same shelling and shooting sounds made their way into our daily lives and we got used to them, and that made me feel really bad. I was starting to lose hope. I sat on my balcony with my earphones on when a sniper started shooting randomly in my area, I was sitting behind a wall so I was safe, but my mother was scared and she tried talking to me, but since I had my earphones on and was listening to music I didn’t hear her, so she freaked out and jumped towards me cause she thought I was hit or dead. We went inside after that and decided not to go out to the balcony for a while.

Days went by and they were all the same. Shooting and shelling every day. People getting killed every day and no one is doing a thing about it. Annan’s plan was officially dead for me.

May 25^th, another Friday. The night was awful and the amount of shelling was unreal. It was a night that no one will forget anytime soon, until news started coming from Houla. A new massacre harvested more than 100 innocent lives including more than 30 kids and many women. Assad’s forces attacked that village with heavy artillery for 12 hours then his things went in and slaughtered entire families.

The world reacted poorly by condemning the massacre and some countries expelled the Syrian ambassadors in their capitals. What a weak response after 15 months of killing, and more than 15000 casualties.

May 28^th, another unbelievable night of excessive shelling. I didn’t count the explosions as they were too many. 3-4 explosions could be heard in a row at times, and that kept going all night and into the morning.

May 30^th, we woke up to find all types of internet connections disconnected like back in February, Dial up, ADSL, and 3G, with the exception of mobile phone’s slow and expensive GPRS. We also had no fresh water that day, and of course shelling and shooting didn’t stop. It’s like we’re back in early March with the exception of snow storms.

The lack of internet connections lasted 4 days, while we got fresh water after only 2.

June started but it felt exactly like May, or March, or February. Every day is exactly the same.

June 6^th, news about a new massacre, this time in a village near Hama with more than 100 casualties including children and women. Seems like this is the new regime’s strategy.

The UN observers weren’t allowed to enter that village until Friday. I will leave you the space to figure out why the regime didn’t let them in yourself, knowing that they denied the massacre and said that armed gangs killed about 9 civilians there, not a hundred or so.

June 8^th, I woke up that Friday at 7 AM because of the horrible sounds of four rockets that hit my neighborhood. We had to leave our bedrooms since we felt like the rockets were hitting our building directly. Around 1 PM, another wave of nearby shelling and shooting but it wasn’t as close as the early morning one so we barely reacted.

June 9^th, the day started with heavy nearby shelling, and for the first time a shred of what seems to be a mortar shell hit my balcony. It’s about 10 centimeters long.

Around 10 AM, more mortar shells started falling around my street and huge columns of black smoke coming out from the targeted buildings made my neighborhood look like a war zone.

11 PM, news about public guard forces occupying buildings in Kurnish street and spreading in many areas in Ghouta and Hamra, and that’s when people started leaving their houses in panic and heading to Waar.

We received many calls and found out that most of the people we know in Ghouta and Hamra have left or at least tried. Security forces barriers didn’t allow some families to leave the area, then news came that they won’t let anyone leave no matter what.

June 10^th, the streets of my neighborhood were empty unlike the previous days. No shops opened and no one can be seen. The terrorism of the day before was too much to handle with more than 100 deaths.

No internet and no electricity.

Nearby heavy shelling and the sounds of machine guns were all over my area and many other places. Rumors started spreading as some schools were being evacuated by the Red Crescent and the refugees were taken to other places. The fear left my neighborhood almost empty including my building. My family and I had a tense talk and we decided to stay.

A couple of mortar shells feel around my street once again but no shreds came our way today, and they caused serious damage in buildings and some people I know were injured. Snipers are active and one of my mother’s friends was killed by one while she was taking her daughter to her exams center.

Electricity came back and was gone again, and then it came back once more. Still no internet, not even GPRS since yesterday.

June 12^th, security forces filled my neighborhood, arrested some people and put cement barriers in all the exits around my area. We’re now trapped inside and they’re doing whatever they want.

Later that night the main street of Ghouta was filled with security forces vehicles and armored vehicles. The soldiers walked around shooting randomly for a couple of hours.

June 13^th, many families left the neighborhood after a morning of heavy shelling and shooting all around us. Smoke clouds were all over the sky, and buildings were shaking badly whenever a missile hits.

June 14^th, this was one of those days that I can never forget. I faced death and wrote about it in “Life in Homs” so I won’t repeat the day here.

June 15^th, tanks and security forces vehicles are all over my neighborhood. Shooting and shelling didn’t stop, and the area looks like a ghost town now.

June 16^th: I saw a helicopter flying over Homs, and a little after that the UN observers announced the suspension of their mission due to the increase of violence in Syria.

I will end this chapter here, since my area, and the entire country is going through a new phase now. Hoping for the next chapter to be the final one in this sad series of events.

Life in Homs

In here you’ll read exactly what I’ve experienced on Thursday, June 14^th, 2012.

I woke up at 5 AM after three hours of “sleep”, checked if there’s nearby shooting or shelling, got dressed then went out to the bakery. I found 11 people in front of me, and an hour later there were more than 100 behind me. At 7:16 it finally was my turn. I bought $1 worth of bread (We’re not allowed to buy more) and went home.

At 8 AM, I was done with the bread (preparing it and putting it in the freezer to keep it fresh), and then I had breakfast.

8:30 AM, I watched the news, got depressed and went back to bed (Since I don’t have a business to go to, because it’s been closed for over a year now, like most other businesses in Homs, but that’s a story for another time). In bed I tried to check my email and twitter but I found out that 3G and GPRS aren’t working. I don’t have ADSL at home so I have no internet connection now. No big deal, I’m used to it. But unlike the previous six days we have fresh water since morning.

12:30 PM, I got up, went out to buy vegetables which can’t be found easily, and as I was walking, I heard noise, and then a security forces’ vehicle passed by, followed by a tank, then a pickup truck with a huge machine gun (Shilka), I then went to a street where there’s more than one store and found most of them closed.

I went inside an open store and started collecting the things I need, only to be interrupted by the same vehicles once again passing right by me, and that’s when I quickly turned my Smartphone’s camera on and filmed the tank passing by without them noticing.

Seconds later, the Shilka started shooting and it was only 5 meters away from me. I was inside the store so I lied down on the floor next to the salesman. The glass shattered and the goods started falling from the shelves on us because the entire place was shaking badly.

Fire paused for a couple of seconds and that allowed us to crawl to another section of the store that has a wall to hide behind and a sink. The Shilka started shooting again and this time three bullets hit the store’s front. We ducked behind the wall waiting for what’s coming next.

At that moment, surprisingly, I wasn’t afraid. I actually felt like it’s the ending of me and was somewhat relieved. As a Homsi, I made peace with death a long time ago.

The Shilka kept on shooting for a few more seconds, so I decided to film that too, in case I made it out alive, but that’s when my phone started ringing. My mom called me and she was scared since she could hear the horrible shooting sounds as my house wasn’t far away. I told her I was on my way and that I’m okay. She called again seconds later as the Shilka was shooting and she heard the sounds from the call and was very worried so I had to yell at her saying “Leave me alone now!” then I hung up.

The salesman called his family and told them not to come down since his house wasn’t far away either.

Shooting stopped and we heard the vehicles moving, so we sneaked outside and saw that they were gone. I paid the salesman and he handed me some of what’s left of my money when we heard the vehicles coming back towards us again. We ran to the back of the store once more but this time the salesman was fast enough to close the main door half way down. I doubt that the door will actually matter since it’s thin and the Shilka bullets are huge.

Shooting started seconds later and it kept going for a few minutes. Then they left again.

We went out and saw a couple of Security forces officers, we waved at them and asked if we can go, and they said yes. The salesman told me he was leaving the neighborhood and not coming back, and wanted to give me the money he owed me when the vehicles came back once more and we instantly decided to run before they arrive. So I ran towards a nearby street without my money, and went home.

On the street where the Shilka was, I saw hundreds of empty shells, and they were really big, more than 10 centimeters each. I really wanted to pick one up as I was walking right next to them but the officers were watching me and the vehicles were heading my way so I didn’t.

Red Crescent volunteers were moving aids to a store, and most of them ran away when the shooting started, but one was left behind, and a Shilka bullet hit the street and a shred of it injured his foot. I didn’t see this myself as I was inside another store, but his brother is a friend of mine and told me what happened.

As I was walking home, many families were packing their stuff in their cars and fleeing the neighborhood. Many left the area in the past week, and only a few are still living here. Some of them asked me if they can use the street I came from and I said no and told them to be careful.

I arrived home at 1:30 PM, and found both of my parents standing on the balcony waiting for me, and that drove me insane more than what I just came from. Our balcony has been shot so many times before, and I have a collection of bullets from it. It’s filled with holes and even my AC was shot a while back.

I went up and we had a really bad fight, and I did most of the yelling if not all.

My mother told me that when she heard the shooting and I told her to leave me alone, she was so scared she couldn’t think straight anymore. She found herself going out the balcony hoping to see me without thinking about her personal safety. My dad followed her and they both stayed out there until I came back.

I was very harsh with them because all I could think about is their safety. I told them that what they did was very wrong and stupid, and they agreed. We yelled for about 30 minutes, which is a common thing these days since we’re all so stressed and sad from the situation we live in.

As we were arguing and fighting, we heard the tank shooting. That’s when we all stopped shouting and smiled at each other.

I said something I never thought I’d say. I said “One of those tank shells might hit our house and kill us all, let’s not go while we’re fighting and shouting at each other”.

We calmed down, said some nice things, and I went in to write this before I forget any details, and to show them the video I took.

The tank kept firing for a while then we saw it leaving the area with another security forces’ vehicle (A blue jeep like vehicle) around 2 PM.

A bunch of walking security forces members came and started shooting randomly for a few minutes then left without hurting anyone, then at 2:30 PM all that’s left is the sniper gunshots we hear every few seconds.

For the record: I here swear that I saw no Free Syrian Army members or any armed civilians anywhere near my area in months, and when the shooting happened there was no firing back and no attacks. There were no UN observers, and no reporters to cover what happened. There wasn’t even a demo or any kind of protest. There was only a tank, a Shilka, a security forces’ vehicle, some officers and many armed security forces members wearing uniforms shooting at houses and streets filled with us, unarmed, peaceful civilians, and most of them were like me, shopping.

I wonder what kind of story the regime’s media would tell if I was killed there. They’ll probably blame the “armed gangs” like they’ve been doing for months. Or maybe they’ll say I was a terrorist and was about to blow myself up somewhere and they stopped me from executing my evil plan. They might replace the sack of potatoes I had with some explosives before they take a picture of me, or place a hand gun in my shorts and a couple of dollars.

2:40 PM, I am typing this and we lost electricity. Good thing I’m on my laptop. I’ll save this file and go rest. It’s a very hot day here today, and I hope electricity will come back soon to turn the AC back on.

Electricity came back then was gone again, twice. We had to turn the AC off so it won’t get affected.

3:15 PM, a tank rushed into the main Ghouta street and started shooting at 3:17 PM.

10 tank shells were fired in 6 minutes, and counting.

4:00 PM, I counted 18 tank shells including the 10 I just mentioned, and once again only sniper gunfire can be heard, many of them.

Streets are empty and stores are closed.

I made myself a grilled cheese sandwich. Yeah, no diet when one might get killed any minute.

Sounds of explosions in Qusoor and Khaldieh never stopped since early morning. Actually they didn’t really stop since early June. Black smoke clouds are seen very clearly from my window. I don’t take pictures anymore as I have hundreds already.

I saw a tank leaving my neighborhood at 4:45, then sounds of tank shelling came from where that tank left.

One of my neighbors who left a week ago came by to check his house, I talked to him and he made me realize something. Explosions and tank shelling break glass windows because of the air pressure, and it’s not easy to get a glass window replaced these days so I opened all the glass windows we have a little so they move open in case of high pressure instead of getting shattered.

6:12 PM, a big explosion happened not very far away and caused our windows to open slightly. That means my theory was proven correct. I learned so many things in the past 16 months. Not pretty things, but things that I need to survive.

6:15 PM, I looked outside my window and saw many armed security forces walking around my street, talking, laughing, and from time to time shooting in the air.

After dinner, and exactly at 8:50 PM, I decided to bake some brownies (After facing death, you gotta have brownies), but as I was mixing the ingredients, we lost electricity for the fourth time today, but it only lasted 20 minutes or so, and a while later my brownies were good to go.

Security forces left my street and it was a calm night in my neighborhood for a change, except for the sniper bullets of course.

12:30 AM, After watching 3 episodes of The Simpsons while eating brownies, I checked my internet connection and it was still not working, so I set the alarm to 5 AM and went to bed, hoping that tomorrow won’t be as horrific as today.

12:52 AM, my sleeping plan got ruined when a security forces vehicle showed up in my calm empty street and started shooting randomly, and that awoke the sniper up and he started shooting every few seconds as well.

1 AM, I decided to ignore the sounds and try to get some sleep because my new day starts in less than 4 hours in the line for bread.

1:30 AM, my sleep gets interrupted again with a phone call from Inshaat, they asked if there’s anything happening near my house because they’re hearing some very awful sounds coming from my area, we told them that the sounds are coming from Qusoor and Khaldieh.

1:50 AM, the explosions sounds became much louder and more frequent. Security forces are now back in my area but they’re just standing there without shooting.

2:30 AM, the sounds of missiles being launched from nearby towards Khaldieh have become so much louder and my house is shaking with every explosion. The sniper is active as well.

That’s when I disabled the 5 O’clock alarm because I doubt I’ll get any sleep at all tonight.

2:52 AM, I saw a light in the sky like lightning then a huge explosion happened, followed by heavy gunfire for a couple of minutes.

3:20 AM, Security forces leave my street, while the attack on Khaldieh and other areas continues.

4:15 AM, a different security forces vehicle shows up and stays for a while in my neighborhood.

That’s when sleep finally got to me and when I woke up the vehicle was gone but the shelling on other neighborhood didn’t stop till Friday afternoon.

This is the day that I lived today. It wasn’t all bad, but it was bad enough. Not every day is similar to this one, some days are better and some are much worse. I hope you got a glimpse of the kind of life we live here in Homs, and I hope you appreciate the little things in your life because you don’t know when they might go away.

Notes:

• Shilka is a weapon made to defend areas against air force attacks, but is used against people. The bullet can go through a wall, or a metal door.
• The timing of the events is very accurate, give or take up to two minutes maximum.
• I have personally experienced all the events and I am responsible for the accuracy.
• I decided not to write about a thing or two because they might affect my safety because they show the exact location of my house.
• The few hours of disturbed sleep is really all the sleep we can get, and this has been going on since early February 2012.

Lest we forget

Today started like any other day in my sad city Homs. Gunfire and shelling sounds could be heard every now and then, but that didn't stop the people from going out to buy food and other basic things.

The streets in the safe neighborhoods turned into markets where sellers use the sidewalks to show their products, like vegetables, Hummus, bread, and sometimes shoes. But then again there are no real safe neighborhoods in Homs anymore. Mortar shells and gunshots can come out of nowhere to take lives.

As we were getting closer to nighttime, streets were empty and everyone went home, as we all know that night time is when the serious shelling takes place, and that's exactly what happened.

The shelling sounds were increasing as well as the gunfire in many areas in Homs. I made some calls and got confirmations about attacks in at least four different neighborhoods in Homs alone, and about other attacks on villages near Homs like Rastan, Kusair, and Houla.

Neighborhoods like Qusoor, Jorat Al Shayah and old Homs were attacked so many times before and more than 50% of each area was destroyed back in February and March, and the new attacks are destroying what's left. As for Houla, that village was being attacked with heavy artillery for 12 hours before that night and no news came from there during those 12 hours as no one could go inside or leave the village.

Shelling in Houla started slowing down but not in other area, and that helped some people get inside to check what happened, and that's when the reports started coming.

The first thing I hears was about a group of Pro-Assad thugs who came inside Houla after the shelling stopped and they killed families. We didn't get any numbers or facts at that time.

A while after we started getting some numbers and info, and that's when we realized how horrible the situation there was. The Syrian army was shelling that village for 12 hours as I said earlier, and they only stopped to let their thugs (Shabiha) enter the village and finish some families off. They went in with their guns and knives and gathered many families in some houses and started killing everyone like they were sheep. They killed men, women, and children. They used their guns, knives, and hands. It was a brutal, inhumane massacre.

13 kids were slaughtered, no 35, or 50. 90 people were murdered, no 113. They kept finding dead bodies. Some were killed from the shelling, and the rest were executed viciously including the children.

Images started coming, then videos. Dead innocent children's bodies stacked in a small room. Their bodies had wounds, and their blood was on the floor. What a horrible thing to see. This is the act of an animal, no human can do this. No human can kill children and stack their bodies like this. Oh the humanity has failed those poor children badly. How much did they suffer? How did they watch their parents getting slaughtered in front of them? How did they wait for the killer to come to them and slit their little throats or put a bullet in their stomach? I cannot even imagine this amount of cruelty.

More news kept on coming, and more horrible footage of those families. The activists called the UN observers but those were found asleep in their hotel and they said they weren't allowed to leave the hotel till morning. The children of Houla are on their own.

The UN envoy went to Houla the next morning and counted more than 100 dead bodies including more than 30 children. They confirmed everything. It all did happen and we all couldn't do a thing to stop it. How helpless that makes me feel.

More than 100 innocent civilians were murdered that day in the name of a dictator. I will never forget that night. I can never forgive those monsters. And I ask you to not forget what happened there in Houla. That big scar in the face of all humanity will never fade away. We are truly sorry we failed you Houla. We are ashamed of ourselves.

The land of a million doctors.

As you may know, I've been suffering from a serious back injury for awhile, and it's been keeping me in bed most of my time. As a result, I had to cancel many dates and let some people down in the past few weeks, and that's the bad part, now the good part is the laughter.

I live in a city called Homs, a city that is now famous for being the main target for all the cruelty of the world, but this same city has always been famous for its simple and nice people and their sense of humor.

There's about a million residents in Homs, and each one of them think they're a doctor, so every time someone hears about my back problem they must give me advice, and here's some of what I've been given:

The first tip I received was after I first injured my back and it was that I need to lie down on the floor on my back and put my feet up. My dad gave me that advice and it made sense at the time, and I've tried it but the results were catastrophic. I couldn't move for 15 minutes because of the unbelievable pain I had from that pose. Never again.

A taxi driver told me I needed to stand on my toes and raise my hands up for 30 minutes three times a day.
The guy who fixed my AC told me I should lie on the floor with my feet up, and then I should jump up and do sudden sports moves that involve moving my back viciously.

A man who was looking for a house told me I should put a pillow behind my back and do bicycle moves while on my back.

My mom's friend said I should sit backwards. I still have no idea what that even means.

One of my neighbors actually gave me the name of the pills he used to use, and then gave me directions to a pharmacy that would sell them without a prescription. I saved the address in case I needed something else (wink wink).

A relative of mine told me to get someone light to walk on my back. I now believe she hates me.

Of course there are many more like using hot water, getting an oil massage, and voodoo. Okay no one really suggested voodoo.

This is why I love my city and its people so much. This simplicity that might sometimes hurt is just too damn adorable.