Chapter 15: Dunkelheit

After yet another joyless Christmas, life didn’t change much. I went to the bakery on December 26^th morning and stood in the huge line for hours, and around 8:30 AM a young activist (16-17 years old is my guess) with his friends came and filmed the people waiting for bread for a couple of seconds, and I believe I show up clearly in his footage. One day I will look for it in YouTube, and I hope I’ll find it.

The next day I did the same thing and I stood from 8:30 till 10:30 only to get the ticket for bread. During those two hours I had breakfast (Manaeesh from a nearby stand and tea) and there was a women standing next to me. She was dressed in black and she looked miserable -like we all do these days- and she was talking about a dream she saw that night. Said she saw her 15 years old son playing football with his friends in front of their house. Then I found out that her son was killed at a security checkpoint months ago, and that they left their house afterwards. She was smiling while her eyes were filled with sadness, and said she’s glad he’s a martyr, and he’ll be waiting for her in heaven.

I didn’t say a word, but I thought to myself, what a strong woman and what a sad life she’s living. I didn’t ask about her or her son, simply because there are thousands of similar sad stories in my city and all over Syria.

I didn’t wait to actually get the bread cause that will take about 7 hours, so I went shopping and around 11 AM I saw the well known professor Tayyeb Al Tizini. We talked for a few minutes, and this wasn’t the first time I meet him. I met him once before back in March 2011. Only few days after I was attacked and beaten by security force. Back then he saw the marks on my face and told me he knew what happened without asking me. Such a decent and respected man.

I went home, then back to the bakery hours later, only to get my precious bread at 7 PM after another 4 hours in line. So in total, I stood six hours to get bread. Still better than seven.

December 29^th. I was out and in line at 8:45 AM, but this time it wasn’t the familiar bread line, as it’s Saturday and the bakery is closed. This time I was waiting for gas. I was able to hand them the empty container at 2:15 PM. I paid for the new one and went home, since those won’t be ready until next week.

News about the massacre in Deir Balbaa arrived while I was in line, and the stories I heard were so horrible I didn’t want to believe any of them just to stay sane.

December 30^th, I decided to go to the bakery earlier than ever, and I was there at 4:45 AM, found 37 people in line in front of me. At 6 I got one pack and went home sick with a bad cough because of the freezing cold weather.

8:50 AM fighter jets started flying over the city and four minutes later they did multiple attacks.

Jets came back again in the afternoon, and I found many security forces members fully armed in every street I’ve been to that day, and many areas in Homs lost electricity.

December 31^st. The last day in this horrible year. I was so sick, we had no electricity, and heavy shelling didn’t stop all day.

At exactly midnight Assad’s forces celebrated New Year’s by shooting randomly for several minutes, and some kept shooting till 1 AM.

I could hear the shooting sounds coming from at least four different checkpoints.

Happy New Year. Indeed.

2012 was the worst year of my life. And I believe it’s been the worst year in Syria’s entire history. The country is torn apart. Cities are destroyed. Tens of thousands were killed and many more were detained.

January 1^st 2013: Worst first day ever. No electricity at all, very cold weather, and we’re out of bread since I was too sick to go buy bread for days. We bought some expensive not so delicious bread from nearby.

January 2^nd: No electricity.

January 3^rd: No electricity.

January 4^th: No electricity.

January 5^th: We finally got electricity back, but not entirely as it was ON/OFF all day.

January 6^th: After Assad’s speech security forces opened fire at 12:55 PM. Heavy shelling between 4 and 7 PM. Electricity was ON/OFF. No internet connection since early morning anywhere in the city.

January 7^th: No electricity. Very cold weather. Heavy shelling.

January 8^th: No electricity. Very cold weather. Heavy shelling.

January 9^th: No electricity. Very cold weather. Heavy shelling. With an extra: Snow.

January 10^th: No electricity. Very cold weather. Heavy shelling. Snow. But later that night we got electricity back, well, sort of. It was so weak we couldn’t turn on a single lamp.

January 11^th: No electricity. Very cold weather. Heavy shelling. More snow. We emptied the freezer and put food in snow on the balcony. March 2012 déjà vu.

After 5 P, shelling got worse and my house was shaking.

January 12^th: I was finally able to take a shower after 11 days without hot water because we had no electricity.

January 13^th: I really hate to repeat myself a hundred times, but: No electricity. And most people are now out of heating fuel. (Diesel? We call it Mazoot but I’ll stick to “fuel”)

January 14^th: You guessed it! No electricity.

January 15^th: No electricity, obviously.

Went o the bakery at 7:30, went back home at 9 empty handed since they didn’t give tickets to anyone because they said the bakery was out of fuel. While heading home I saw them giving lots of bread to security forces from a different door with my own eyes, while hundreds of men, women, and children are still waiting in this freezing weather waiting for the fuel to arrive so they can eat.

9:24 AM, a bullet came through a window, shattered the glass all over the carpet and sofas, then hit the wall, then jumped into the heater and smashed the fuel container’s cap into pieces. Gladly it didn’t hit the container itself which was full.

While cleaning the mess caused by that bullet, news came about a two massacres, one in Aleppo University which saw some huge peaceful demos against Assad months ago, and the second in Houla which saw one of the worst massacres we’ve ever witnessed.

We couldn’t follow the news since we had neither electricity nor internet connection.

January 16^th: I don’t need to type those two words anymore because we always have NO ELECTRICITY.

January 17^th: Waited since 4 PM till 1 AM for fuel and went home without a drop. We got electricity for a few hours at night.

January 18^th: Back to No electricity. Heavy shelling at 12:45 PM.

January 19^th: I saw troops in many vehicles, all armed and chanting for Assad. “We choose only three, God, Syria, and Bashar”, “Shabiha forever, for your eyes Assad” and so on.

They kept driving, chanting loud, and waving their guns for a while.

Of course we have no electricity and no cellphone coverage as it comes and goes with electricity.

10:15 AM rapid shooting, not from regular guns, but from much heavier artillery my father told me, and some shelling as well.

Some of my far relatives left their houses in Bayada after Assad’s troops started shelling that area to the ground and moved to a village called Haswieh. That entire family was killed in the air strike few days ago and were all buried under ruins, and no one was able to pull them out.

I’ve never met those people, but even if they weren’t my relatives at all, their story is still as depressing to me.

January 20^th: We lost electricity when we woke up and cellphone coverage as well.

Shelling started early.

Someone I know told me a story about a soldier he knows who wanted to defect and was delivered a dead body to his family before he even tried to. My mother knows the soldier’s mother, but she decided not to call her and ask about the story due to the horrific times she’s in.

Shelling kept going into the night.

January 21^st: We got electricity and cellphone signal. Hallelujah!

Around 11:40 AM, shooting was very close to my house. Meters away to be exact.

January 23^rd: Electricity company vehicle was going through Hamra cutting illegal cables which most people rely on to overcome the lack of legal electricity.

January 24^th: It’s war here this morning. Excessive shelling and heavy gunfire. My house’s doors and windows got opened because of nearby shelling. I could hear the rockets being launched, then flying in the air making a funny whistling sound, then hitting their targets. I’m so sick of living like this. Of waking up like this.

Electricity is still an issue, bread, fuel and gas as well, but we’ve seen a couple of warm days and that made everything better.

Shelling didn’t stop all day and it was targeting many areas, mainly Qusoor, Jobar, Sultanieh, and Khaldieh.

Inshaat, Hamra, Ghouta, and Dablan were shaking because of the shelling even though they weren’t targeted.

Waar has been seeing more and more fighting in the past few weeks.

But it wasn’t all bad as my neighbors brought us some delicious chocolate cake that kept me happy for a few minutes. Try eating a chocolate cake in the dark. It’s a lot of fun.

Shelling was back in the evening, then again at night. I went to bed heating awfully loud explosion sounds. The same sounds I woke up to.

I can’t help but to confess that the regime was able to change the focus of the world from our demands (Freedom, equality, and democracy) to restoring peace and stopping the bloodshed. Their viciousness paid off in the short term, but it will eat them up in the end.

January 25^th: War continues since 4 AM, but from one side as it always is. FSA never strike back heavy. Either because they don’t have the weapons for it, or because Assad’s forces usually attack from inside civilian areas. I believe it’s the first reason.

Friday prayer came and with it came massive gunfire in many directions, and again, no firing back.

In the afternoon, security forces were walking the streets and opening fire randomly while shelling continued.

Around 4 PM, cement barriers were installed back in different main streets and smoke was seen over Qusoor, Bughtasieh, and Jorat Al Shayyah. It’s April 2012 all over again.

At night, all that’s left was sniper shots. Lots of them.

January 26^th: Unlike the previous two days, shelling and shooting didn’t start at 4 AM, and when they did start around 10 they weren’t as heavy. Sniper shots were heard every few seconds.

I walked around a couple of neighborhoods and talked to people. Saw some cement barriers with the Syrian flag painted on. Heard stories about security forces raiding houses and moving into a couple of empty ones. They pit a lot of guns in empty houses and moved in, a man told me. He said he saw that happening, but I couldn’t confirm that story.

I also saw many new security forces vehicles. Most of them are regular cares with shaded windows or plates that say “Assad’s Syria” being driven by the most obvious pro Assad thugs, with loud music coming out from them.

I heard about an all female security checkpoint close by, but I didn’t go check it out.

People kept calling and telling us to leave before it’s too late, and saying that some families were kicked out from their homes by Assad’s troops. That all happened before, but this time we didn’t even consider leaving. We emptied out emergency bags long time ago. We made our choice. We’d rather die than become refugees.

No electricity in the past 24 hours. No fresh water in 20. We’re getting a very weak cellphone signal in particular corners in our house. Land line are working fine.

My tablet arrived to Damascus, finally! After travelling though three countries (UAE, KSA, and Lebanon). I was planning on going to Damascus to get it, and other things we don’t have in Homs (Mainly medicine), but the bus I usually go on board didn’t have fuel in days and wasn’t going to travel anywhere. I looked for other busses, but then I was afraid something might happen while I’m away, so I decided to stay home.

January 27^th: Morning shelling and gunfire. Still no electricity at all. No water after 11 AM.

Students from a couple of schools couldn’t go to class since Assad’s troops reoccupied their schools. Other schools took some of them in.

We got electricity at 2 PM, and it lasted less than an hour. Then it was on and off all night.

My mother said something that really got to me. She said she’s glad that grandma (her mother) passed away and didn’t see these days since she hated darkness so much and kept the lights on all the time. She would’ve really hated this month on a whole different level than us. May she rest in peace.

January 28^th: We received a present from someone we know and it was a pack of bread he brought from a pro Assad area. He said it took him a minute to get his car filled with bread in that area. He also said that he found fuel and gas widely available there and in such cheap prices.

Electricity was ON/OFF all day. I’m glad I bought safety gadgets to protect our electric devices.

I walked around a couple of neighborhoods, saw some new checkpoints, and some old ones, and many security forces in new areas, but I believe that the stories people are telling were exaggerated. Talking about clashes in many streets is completely false. Assad’s troops however did in fact occupy some buildings and schools, as I saw myself, but not as many as most people think. I personally only believe what I see, and that’s why I don’t talk about other areas unless I go there.

The situation in my areas is worse than ever, but I believe we haven’t seen the worst yet. Plus, we got used to a certain amount of daily gunfire and shelling. The presence of security forces is what bothers me the most.

I did a couple of things that I can’t tell now. I’ll write them down to publish when possible.

January 29^th:

I woke up early since I went to bed early because we had no power, like always. I got dressed and went out.

Once again, I walked around many areas, Hamra, Ghouta, Inshaat, Tawzea Ijbari, Dablan, and Abdulhamid Droubi Street.

In Hamra, they had no electricity. Security forces were at the birds square and there was heavy traffic in Malaab street towards Safir hotel. A couple of security forces vehicles and armed members were checking cars on both ways.

In Ghouta, they had no electricity. Security forces were at the Fares square and the traffic light near Shater Hasan, and more near Sahha (Health Department). I walked towards Nizar Quabbani Street, and didn't go all the way because I saw army vehicles and heard shelling sounds coming from there. I talked to people and they confirmed that some houses were occupied by the troops. They said that only two families didn't leave the houses they asked to be emptied because they had people with special needs.

In Dablan, I could rarely see someone walking. The street was a ghost street, after being the most popular one in the city. I saw troops heading to Abdulhamid Droubi street and heard heavy sounds coming from there, so I didn't even try to go in.

 After that I tried to get near Jorat Al Shayyah and I saw security forces in a checkpoint, those decorated the ruins of a nearby destroyed building with flags and photos of Assads'. Seeing that made me realize how proud they are of what they're doing. Of the destruction and the killing.

In Inshaat, they had no electricity, security checkpoints in front of Safir hotel and on Tripoli Street. Many vehicles and cement barriers there. I could go online there, and I did a tagged tweet with my location for reasons I'll tell later.

In Tawzea Ijbari (Inshaat near Baba Amr), they had no electricity. Security checkpoints and armed troops in Brazil street. They occupied a restaurant nearby and secured it with sand barrels, and decorated the area with photos of Hafez Assad, Bashar Assad, and their chants.

I went home, and we had no electricity when I arrived. I wasn't stopped by any checkpoint, but that didn't help my deep depression because of what I saw.

Later at night, I got so depressed and nothing could help. Not chocolate, not the dark humor, and not the nice replies I got on twitter. I had MLK on my mind. Free at last. I hope we'll celebrate being free soon.

January 30^th: Had breakfast without electricity. Jets were all over the sky at noon. Heard about a young man of my relatives who was killed by a sniper’s bullet while walking in one of the “safe” neighborhoods.

We got enough electricity for me to finally turn the long notes I take daily to this post. Perhaps I will add what will happen tomorrow and end January. The darkest month in my life.

Electricity was on all night for the first time in 2013, and that’s why I was able to look at some old photos of Homs, and that’s when I got an idea about doing a photo blog post showing the old photos and new photos for the same places to show the destruction we’re seeing and how the city never saw such cruelty in its history. I started organizing photos using some of the ones I took myself over the two past years while my eyes were filled with tears. I saw my city get destroyed. Every Syrian has.

January 31^st:

2 AM: explosions and shooting started and lasted until 5 when I finally could fall asleep, only to be awakened by the beautiful sound of a fuel container truck at 7.

I chased it and was successful to buy 20 whole litters. That’ll keep up warm for about three nights. I paid 40 pounds a litter while it was 26 pounds few weeks ago. The official price is 37. The unofficial price could go up to 85 and into pro Assad’s deep dark pockets. All the money and the blood in the world won’t fill those pockets.

After 10, the power streak ended and we were back to a playful ON/OFF electricity which is much better than no electricity at all. New things get added to our suffering list.

1.5 billion were promised to help the UN aid the Syrian refugees. I wonder how much will be actually delivered, and how much will be stolen on the way, and finally, what percentage will pro Assad areas who aren’t in need get.

Another month went by like a nightmare, taking with it a lot of Syrian blood, and leaving plenty of hate and destruction. I’m not looking forward to February, March or April since they were the worst months in 2012.



Note: You can find Chapter 14 here: http://www.neareastquarterly.com/index.php/2012/12/31/a-homs-diary/

Let’s time travel

Looking at old photos of my “once was” beautiful city Homs, and realizing that it will never go back to look the way it did, and that it has never seen the destruction it’s seeing today.

With tears in my eyes I chose a collection of photos, some of which I took myself and put together in a historic order for comparison purposes.

The first set of photos is for an old spot, a square we call the Old Clock square, and you can see the clock in all of these photos:

1-      This photo is probably the oldest, and it shows people and their animals that they used to ride.

2-      This one shows a mix of cars and carts, with a couple of policemen (During the French occupation perhaps?)

3-      This shows a new era, with public transportation and a beautiful fountain and the cars of the 70’s.

4-      A recent one from before the Syrian uprising shows the new buildings, City Center, and the absence of the fountain.

5-      And this shows what happened in the past few months.

6-      And city center these days

Now let’s move to the New Clock square, which is the most famous place in Homs.

1-      This first photo shows the clock while being built with old cars and a simple beautiful area

2-      Then few years after it was finished

3-      Into the 90’s

4-      During a celebration in Hafez Assad’s era

5-      On April 18^th 2011 during the first ever sit-on (Taken by me), and that day we changed the square’s name to Freedom Square.

6-      And finally, the clock now.

Ghouta Street, one of the most known and loved streets in Homs.

1-      We begin before it was a street, there used to be a lot of water and little bridges and only trees on its left.

2-      Water is almost gone, and buildings started to show up.

3-      Water is gone, and so did the trees from the area to your right.

4-      A complete makeover that no one really liked.

5-      Then in 2012 with the cement barriers and the messed up street after tanks started using it.

And let’s end it all with Khalid Bin Al Walid mosque “Sidi Khalid”

1-      In black and white with French writing. I believe this was taken by the French during their occupation.

2-      After changes to the area and some of the structure next to the mosque

3-      A newer “artistic” take.

4-      And after being targeted by Assad’s troops

I chose these areas because they’re well knows, beautiful, historic, and weren't completely destroyed. I hope the destruction won’t continue and erase them all.

Many areas in Old Homs (historic mosques, churches, houses, and castles) were harmed much more and some of them were completely destroyed. I may collect some photos of such places later and make a second post. But that one will look much worse than this one I’m sure.

Now you see how beautiful my city looked, and what’s happening to it. I hope your city won’t see anything like this and that you won’t experience the feelings we’re living.

Chapter 13: The good and the bad.

After months of attacking peaceful demos with heavy artillery, FSA was created to defend Syrian civilians who are demanding freedom and democracy, and after months of defections, the FSA are finally starting to create a balance. They have been gaining more defected soldiers and high ranks from the Syrian army, yet they still aren’t getting enough funding or weapons to do their job right.

In the meantime, civilians like myself are still being held in their houses, in areas surrounded by barriers and security forces, unable to protest, work, or live a decent life.

July 15^th – 17^th, tanks kept coming and leaving 5-6 times a day and open fire each time. Huge areas have been destroyed in Jorat Al Shayyah, Qusoor, Karabis, and Khaldieh. Old Homs have been targeted viciously again many times, or at least what’s left of it.

In those days the situation in Damascus changed and FSA showed up in many neighborhoods inside the city and took control of parts. The regime attacked FSA and they’ve engaged in a street fight, and that spread to many more areas quickly. Midan, Kafersuseh, Tadamon, Hajar Al Aswad, and even Mazzeh and other areas. The Syrian capital changed so much in those 4 days.

July 18^th, this day started with news about an explosion in Damascus in a very important building. Daoud Rajha, Assef Shawkat, Hassan Turkmani were killed. Those three names were from a list of names that the Syrian people hated and feared for so long. Rajha, the minister of defense was behind the wide military operations in Syria which harvested thousands of civilians and destroyed many cities. Shawkat was Rajha’s deputy but he’s also Bashar Assad’s brother in low, a mysterious character that we only knew by name for years. His name used to make us all scared, and he’s the one we really were glad was killed. Hassan Turkmani was the head of the “Crisis Cell” which ran the operations on the ground against protesters.

Other news said that more were killed as well like Hafez Makhloof, and many were badly injured including the minister of interior affairs Muhammad Al Shaar.

This news was the first good news we hear in months. People were talking about it in the streets of Homs and smiling. I saw many buying cakes and sweets to celebrate, and so did we.

Those names put horror in our hearts for so many years and we’re all glad they were done, and we hoped that the injured ones would die as well. This is a huge hit to the regime, and they felt it.

Many soldiers and officers defected that day all over Syria and especially in Damascus.

Good news kept coming, and this time from Aleppo. Many areas in Aleppo countryside were under control of the FSA, and they gained many tanks and weapons.

Of course all good news should come to an end, and that’s what happened that night when the death toll was more than 250. Many areas in Damascus were getting shelled for the first time, and a funeral was targeted leaving 60 dead bodies beside the one they were holding.

The passing of so many martyrs made me regret that I felt better earlier. Rest in peace.

July 19^th, the heat is unbearable, Security Council failed to do anything for the third time after another Russian/Chinese veto, but we all knew this was coming so I doubt anyone really cared.

Damascus was still getting shelled, and so were Homs, Rastan, Deir Al Zour, Aleppo countryside, and so many other areas. Most of Syria is under fire now. Cellphone and 3G networks are down.

Good news: FSA keep gaining areas and weapons in Aleppo countryside and in Deir Al Zour and inside Damascus. They’re in control of many check points in the Turkish and Iraqi borders.

Bad news: More than 200 casualties, thousands of refugees heading to Lebanon (More than 18000 in one day).

The regime said that Saturday would be the first day of Ramadan unlike most of the rest of the Muslim countries, and the opposition and many sheikhs said that Friday is the first day of Ramadan, and of course everyone I know believed the opposition and decided to start fasting tomorrow.

The night was quiet and no security forces were seen anywhere around my area with the exception of the permanent check points and barriers.

July 20^th, first day of Ramadan, the heat wave is getting worse and electricity is acting up in many areas all around Syria. No water, no cellphones, and no 3G internet connection.

Two tanks entered my neighborhood and opened fire like every Friday, or like every day actually.

Good news: Hisham Ikhtiyar, head of the Syrian national security is dead affected by his wounds from the bombing on the 18^th. More areas are being controlled by the FSA, and many new defectors in the military.

Bad news: The number of refugees entered Lebanon increased to 30000. Midan neighborhood in Damascus was lost to the Assad’s forces.

July 21^st – 29^th, the heat, the fasting, and the shelling. That’s the triple threat we’re facing everyday now. The number of tanks that come and shoot from my area increased from one to three or four tanks. New vehicles come around now too and I don’t even know what they’re called. Areas like Jorat Al Shayyah and Khaldieh are being attacked day and night, and the night attacks leave the sky bright as day at times.

Good news: Aleppo finally moved on towards us, and after the FSA took over huge areas in the countryside they moved inside the many neighborhoods inside the city in an attempt to liberate it from Assad forces, and they are doing a good job.

Bad news: FSA had to leave some of Damascus neighborhoods and Assad forces took over again, and the numbers of casualties passed 100 a day. More bad news is that Assad forces have been gathering near Aleppo and started a counter attack trying to push FSA out of the city and they’re using air force, helicopters, tanks, missiles, and everything they have.

July 30^th, the same as the past few days with the addition of losing electricity for 11 straight hours.  No sleep at all.

July 31^st, we got electricity back at 11 AM and then water. Tanks came by like any other day and morning shelling continues until 6 PM.

10:30 PM, cellphones got disconnected after they worked for a few hours.

11 PM, electricity is gone from most areas in Homs and heavy shelling started right away and didn’t stop all night. Rocket launchers, tanks, mortar, with some sniper shots and a whole a lot of shooting.

My house was shaking with every rocket, and we all heard the sounds of the launching sounded like they were being launched from our living room.

We heard the noise that the rocket makes on its way to the target which sounds like a whistle, then when it hit its target.

It was a horrible night. We couldn’t sleep for the second night in a raw.

1:30 AM, a group of men gathered and started singing despite the heavy shelling. They sang nice songs and that really cheered us all up a bit and made us feel better. The shelling sounds of course were much louder than the singing but we tried to ignore them as much as we can, and since electricity was gone we opened up the windows to hear the singing better. Some of them had nice voices and they had no instruments of course but it really was a nice tough in such a dark night.

The singing stopped after a while and we were left with the horrible shelling sounds alone once again.

5 AM, a skirmish occurred not far away from my house. There was a lot of shooting, then a BTR opened fire, and after that they used an RPG.

After that we could only hear sniper shots until 6 AM.

I went to Damascus after that and left my family with no electricity, water, cellphones, or sleep.

Good news: FSA in Aleppo caught a number of the worst criminals in the city (Barri Family) after years of their horror.

Bad news: The Barri men were executed and filmed and that video made some bad feedback from many people. I didn’t watch the video and won’t watch it but my position is clear. I support justice but I don’t support viciousness.

August 1^st, Damascus was hot and quiet when I arrived. I went to Abaseen, Rawda, Saba Bahrat, Arnoos, Mazraa, and other areas and couldn’t hear a single gunshot. I didn’t have time to visit another areas like Midan, Kafersuseh, Tadamon, or even Mazzeh (Areas where things happen a lot) since I was on a tight schedule.

Saba Bahrat was very crowded, cars and people were all over the streets and I saw huge lines on ATM machines since people were withdrawing their salaries.

I saw many armed security forces in many areas in Damascus and many vehicles as well.

I went to Mazraa and did what I was going to Damascus to do, then went to Maysat square then back to Saba Bahrat where I checked the US dollar prices and they were down from last month.

However, I couldn’t find a good amount of dollars in the black market with such price.

August 2^nd: Tanks kept shelling areas around my neighborhood until morning after we had Suhoor, I counted till 15 then stopped and went to bed.

I went to Qusoor in the afternoon and saw massive destruction in that neighborhood, then went home.

Electricity was on, but still no cellphones or internet, and the shelling and shooting didn’t stop at Iftar that day for the first time in Ramadan.

Later that night, Annan resigned from his UN mission.  No surprise there after his failure to offer anything to solve what’s happening in Syria.

August 3^rd: A sniper went nuts and started shooting at everything all night. Streets were completely empty.

August 5^th: No tanks came around unlike the past few weeks, and we had a quiet morning in my area for the first time in months.

August 6^th: The Syrian Prime minister defected and headed to Jordan with the help of FSA. This is the biggest defection so far. We were really happy this happened. Good news don’t come often anymore.

The next few days were somewhat quiet compared to June and July, or any other month in 2012.

August 15^th: A huge explosion happened not far away from my house, couldn’t go out and see what happened since it was followed by heavy shooting.

Later that day we got news about Syrian refugees being kidnapped in Lebanon. Lebanon isn’t safe for us anymore.

August 25^th: We started that day with a huge explosion, the loudest I’ve ever heard. Some windows in my street got shattered, and I heard children crying loudly after it. It really was a very scary moment for us all. A military helicopter was seen and heard in roaming the skies right after it.

I went out to see how things are after that explosion. People were back in the streets shopping and taking care of their businesses. I saw huge piles of garbage, and the smell was very bad. Then I saw little kids playing and running around barefoot near that garbage. Sanitation and health are a big issue in Homs now. I’m very concerned about diseases.

I went home, and saw some news from Daraya, a massacre happened there. More than 200 casualties. They’re still finding bodies. 300. 344. After few days the total number of that massacre exceeded 600. This is the worst massacre we’ve seen since the Syrian revolution started in 2011, but Assads did worse ones back in 1982 in Hama. More than six hundred lives were ended in that city tonight.

August 27^th: 244 casualties. The number of daily deaths have risen so much in the past few days.

August 28^th: I went out in the morning and found that some streets in the city are coming back to life, like Malaab Street. I saw many people there selling vegetables, fruits, and chicken sandwiches. Syriatel branch was opened as well. It has been closed since February.

August 29^th: One unforgettable day. It started with tanks coming to my area since around 9 AM.

7-8 tanks passed by in less than an hour. Each opened fire 8-13 times then left.

In the meantime, reports about FSA attacking a military airport in Idleb and destroying about 10 helicopters on the ground.

At night, Bashar Assad had an interview on a local TV, I watched some of it and it sickened me. He said that the situation in Syria is “better” when we’re seeing more than 200 casualties a day for the first time! I honestly couldn’t watch the entire interview.

Right after the interview hell broke loose in many areas in Homs. Heavy shelling and massive shooting. I got news that the same thing happened in Daraa, Hama, and other cities all around Syria. Seems like they had orders to start the attacks right after his interview. What a vicious bunch.

Few hours later, news came about FSA attacking another military airport and destroying 10-13 Mig fighter jets.

Despite the fact that I got sad about these helicopters and jets since we’ve been paying them from our tax money, but they’d better off destroyed than going in the air and killing more of us.

August ended and we are once again left alone without a UN convoy, any kind of international monitoring system, and a blood hungry monster with all the Russian and Iranian weapons you can imagine. FSA has been gaining some new areas and doing some really nice operations, but that isn’t enough. Hundreds are dying every day, and more cities are being destroyed and the world is still crippled by the failure of Security Council.

The first thing I ever wrote

I was looking through my memory box (A drawer in which I keep all my old stuff) a while ago and I found a piece of paper, I unfolded it and it was something I wrote when I was in the seventh grade. I read it and had the biggest smile on my face. It wasn’t a great article, but it showed what kind of person I’ve always been.

This is the translation of what’s written on that piece of paper:

“Do you think it’s easy to ride your bicycle and go for a ride?

 Do you know what do you need to go for a ride on your bike?

1-      You need enough money to buy a bike

2-      You need to know a store that sells bikes

3-      You need to have the knowledge to choose the bike that suits you best

4-      You need proper shoes to wear while riding your bike

5-      You need proper clothes to dress while riding the bile

6-      You need time to learn how to ride a bike
7-      You need a decent road to ride the bike
7b- You need a garden or a nice place to ride the bike to

8-      You need bandages and sterilizers in case you fell off the bike

9-      You need a house with a shower to wash up after riding the bike

10-   You need soap, water, a towel, and new clothes to wear after that shower

11-   You need a comb to comb your hair with after the shower

12-   You need a place to store your bike and a good lock so thieves won’t steal it

And finally, you need a government that can make all that possible

Do you still think it’s easy to ride your bicycle and go for a ride?”

I was a kid when I wrote that, and you can see it’s not the best piece of art, but what I love about it is that it shows clearly that I was going to grow up and be the person I am now. It shows how I’ve always had no hope in the current Syrian regime, and that I’ve always been disappointed in how Syria was.

أول شيء كتبته

لم تجر العادة أن أنشر ما أكتبه باللغة العربية و ستكون هذه المرة الأولى التي أقوم بها بنشر شيء بلغتي الأم

كنت أعبث بجرار ذكرياتي حيث أبقي أشيائي القديمة ذات القيمة المعنوية الكبيرة لي عندما وجدت قطعة ورق صغيرة, فتحتها و قرأت ما بها مبتسما. كانت مقالة صغيرة كنت قد كتبتها و أنا في الصف السابع (الأول الاعدادي) و نسيت أمرها الى الآن.

ليست المقالة ذات معان مهمة أو ابداع لغوي و لكنها أظهرت أني كنت طوال عمري ممتعضا من أداء الحكومة و النظام الحاكم في بلدي سوريا

سأنقل ما قد كتبت في تلك الورقة دون تعديل:

"تظن أنه من السهل أن تركب دراجتك و تذهب في نزهة. هل تدري ماذا تحتاج لتستطيع أن تذهب بنزهة على دراجتك؟

1-      تحتاج النقود الكافية لشراء الدراجة

2-      تحتاج أن تعرف مكانا لبيع الدراجات

3-      تحتاج لمعرفة بالدراجات لتختار الدراجة التي تناسبك

4-      تحتاج حذاء لتلبسه عند ركوبك الدراجة

5-      تحتاج ملابس لائقة لركوب الدراجة

6-      تحتاج وقتا لتعلم ركوب الدراجة

7-      تحتاج طريقا جيدا لتركب عليه الدراجة

7َ- تحتاج حديقة أو مكانا جميلا لتذهب اليه

8-      تحتاج بعض الضمادات و المعقمات في حال وقعت عن الدراجة

9-      تحتاج بيتا فيه حمام لتستحم بعد ركوب الدراجة

10-   تحتاج صابونا و ماء و منشفة و ملابس جديدة بعد استحمامك

11-   تحتاج مشطا لتمشط شعرك بعد الاستحمام

12-   تحتاج مكانا لتخبئة دراجتك فيه و قفلا محكما لمنع اللصوص من سرقتها

و أخيرا... تحتاج حكومة تحقق لك كل ذلك...

فهل ما تزال تظن أن ركوب الدراجة و الذهاب في نزهة أمر سهل؟"

كنت طفلا عند كتابتي هذه السطور و بامكانك ملاحظة ركاكة الأسلوب و التكرار و بعض الأخطاء اللغوية, لكن بنفس الوقت يظهر بشكل جلي مدى الجدية و الازعاج الموجودين في شخصي بذلك السن و هو الأمر الذي لم يتغير و لن يتغير الا بعد حصول التغيير المنشود في سوريا

Chapter Twelve : Back to square one

The UN observers suspended their mission in Syria since the violence has increased in the past few days, and they’re staying in their hotels doing nothing now. Sounds familiar, doesn’t it? The exact same thing happened to the Arab League observers’ mission few months ago, and now comes the part where the regime’s killing machine is loose to cause death and destruction all over Syria.  That’s what experience tells us.

June 17^th, 2012, First day without the observers running around taking notes. Nothing strange happened today anywhere near me. The same amount of daily shelling we’ve been through the past few days.

June 18^th, Cellphones networks are down. We saw that one coming since the regime only connected cellphones and 3G when the UN observers arrived in Homs. Now that they’re gone, coverage went with them. No one watching = No communications.

June 19^th, news about a Russian ship being held in Europe that was heading to Syria with military helicopters and other heavy artillery. We’re glad this ship didn’t make it through since the regime’s been using helicopters to attack villages for a while.

More news from Russia, this time about actual marines coming to protect the Russian interests in Tartus. I certainly hope no one comes, and if they do, I hope they never go back alive. Russia is supporting the regime politically, and sending Assad all kinds of weapons to kill us, and now sending marines? That’s invasion.

Enough about Russia, we woke up with no electricity, and that lasted for five and a half hours. A heat wave has been around for a few days now and without AC our lives turned into actual hell.

Heavy shelling started, but not any heavy shelling, things I never heard before were happening. 11 missiles were launched in 4 seconds, then another wave of 19 missiles, then 22, then 14 more missiles. All that happened in few seconds. Not minutes, seconds. God knows what happened where all those missiles hit.

No cellphones, 3G, or Dial up for the second day.

June 20^th, the numbers of casualties are increasing every day. The attacks have become more vicious than ever all over Syria. Still no cellphones, 3G, or Dial up.

June 21^st, A Mig 21 fighter jet arrived in Jordan and the pilot asked for the right of asylum which was granted for him. That’s good news but I believe the regime will get the jet back.

Cellphones worked for a couple of hours after 8:30 PM, but 3G is still not working.

More than 120 deaths in Syria today.

June 23^rd, a tank, a Shilka, and two pickup trucks filled with armed security forces came to my neighborhood around 9 AM, and they targeted Jorat Al Shayyah for an hour and a half then left without being attacked by anyone since they’re in an area filled with civilians. That’s how the regime’s forces use civilians as shields, their tanks attack from inside inhabited areas so the FSA can’t fire back.

At 11:30 it started raining and the weather changed.

10 PM, heavy close shelling caused my house to shake with every shell being launched.

June 24^th, I went to Waar, and on my way I found four spots where the tank was attacking from. The tank leaves two big circle marks on the ground where it attacks, and that’s how the streets of my neighborhood were ruined.

June 25^th, I went to Midan, and saw the destruction there and it was beyond what I imagined, and that ruined my day. A while after that I got a call about one of my relatives who was killed in Old Homs. He left three kids and his wife behind, then news about one of my friends being injured with a shred of mortar in his leg. This is a very bad morning.

Cellphones worked for a few hours then got disconnected again.

I then saw a big water spraying vehicle accompanied by two security forces pickups heading to Waar, knowing that I never say the water spraying vehicle in action. I don’t think they’ve ever used it as they go straight to shooting at protestors here.

The daily death toll has become 70-130 a day, yet the world is still okay with it.

June 26^th, new cement barriers were installed all over the main Ghouta street and Kurnich street isolating parts of Hamra and Ghouta even more than they already are.

Still no cellphones or 3G. We got used to that once again.

June 27^th, a huge truck filled with armed soldiers and two big machines guns in the back crossed my neighborhood towards the street that takes us to Jorat Al Shayyah.

Once again cellphones worked for a few hours. I honestly think it’s better if they stop connecting and disconnecting them. Keep them disconnected is easier for us. I don’t even take my phone with me when I leave the house anymore, unless I want to take pictures of listen to music.

June 28^th, a tank arrived at 11:15 AM and started shooting near the healthcare center, then moved close to the Red Crescent storage facilities and targeted Jorat Al Shayyah again from there. I heard rapid machine gun shooting coming from that area as well.

9 PM, the sounds of tank shooting, mortar being launched, and a sniper created a symphony of destruction in my neighborhood.

120 deaths all over Syria today.

June 29^th, the same thing that happened yesterday. The tank arrived at the same time and it targeted the same areas then left. Kids in my neighborhood now know when to wait for the tank to watch it shooting, and to swear at the soldiers from far away.

2:40 PM, Security forces came into my completely empty street and started shooting. This happened many times before and I think they’re just bored and are shooting for fun.

June 30^th, the last day of the month went with more than 100 casualties all over Syria. Douma has fallen in the hands of the regime’s army after weeks of shelling and tens of deaths.

A martyr’s funeral was targeted in Zamalka in Damascus leaving 70-80 new martyrs. This happened many times in Syria in the past months, people going to bury a martyr end up getting buried the very next day. We still can’t bury our dead in peace.

I believe there is no humanity left in the regime anymore; it has become a beast with an unlimited blood thirst, and it shall be put down by any means necessary.

A meeting in Geneva happened and we all didn’t get our hopes up since the world has been failing us one time after another for the past 16 months. They came up with a new plan which I know that it’s going to fail sooner than later. Russia is still holding on to Assad and will keep sending him weapons and supporting him with all it’s got. We only have ourselves and the FSA now. 133 deaths today.

July 1^st, the day started with a new type of shelling. The rockets that are being used are causing so much noise, and I haven’t heard such noise before. Some are saying the regime’s using Grad missiles now, but I’m not sure. All I know is that a very loud explosion sound is heard every 30 minutes or so since 6 AM.

I went to another neighborhood to go online, and during that time I read news about security forces attacking my street. I went home and my parents told me what happened. A big truck filled with armed security forces came in and started shooting randomly and people in the street started running in all directions in panic. The vehicle then left the street and headed to a street nearby and did the exact same thing. This terrorism must end. We’re not afraid of it anymore. We will face it and end it all no matter what. The new path of our movement is clear now. I am convinced that there is no other way but to support the FSA in their fight against Assad’s forces.

July 2^nd, I went to Damascus. It was quiet and disgusting. Most people are still living like nothing is going on, and this has to change immediately.

July 3^rd, I went to Inshaat and saw the destruction there. Didn’t take any photos or videos since I know everything’s been filmed before many times. However, seeing things in person is nothing like seeing videos or photos. I saw parts of Baba Amr and there are no words I can use to describe how awful it is.

July 5^th, yet another day that I won’t forget. I woke up at 4:30 AM to go get bread but since the shelling started at 3:30 AM, and there is nearby shooting I decided not to go. I opened my window and saw three security forces vehicles. A white pickup truck, a blue “police” vehicle, and the “Assad’s Syria” green vehicle that I saw so many times before. Armed security forces were all over my street and the next street as well. I’m glad I didn’t go out. Some of them walked around shooting for a couple of minutes then they went in their cars and left at 6 AM, except for the white pickup. A while later I was able to go back to sleep.

I woke up around 11:30, and was about to go out when I heard a helicopter. It sounded so clear and so close. It was about 12:30 when the helicopter fired a missile. The explosion was scary and I saw smoke from my balcony, and small rocks and dirt covered the street and hit my apartment’s windows. I looked up but couldn’t see the helicopter. I went out immediately, and heard the helicopter coming back. I saw its tail and heard a small explosion then it disappeared behind the buildings. I headed to where the explosion noises came from and on my way I saw cars smashed. I took a picture of one and a man told me to hide my phone because there is an armor vehicle nearby and security forces wearing normal clothes instead of uniforms.

I hid my phone and kept walking and saw the dirt all over the street next to the one that was hit and heard some people talking about injuries. I kept walking and saw where the missile hit. The street was destroyed and many cars were hit. One of them was cut in half, and the two halves were very far apart and from the looks of it, one part flew away and hit a building before it landed under it. I’m not sure what happened and I don’t think anyone really is since the street was empty. The ones who were injured weren’t in the same street because if they were, they would’ve been killed and torn to pieces.

The missile hit right in front of Al Khayrat mosque which was empty since there was no prayer at the time.

I went online after that and posted about what I just witnessed including seeing a tank and an armor vehicle in Hamra, and another tank in Ghouta. Those tanks didn’t open fire

 A friend who lives there told me that electricity is gone, and then we lost electricity as well, and therefore we lost internet connection too. I went back home but passed by the targeted street once again and saw a Red Crescent ambulance and an electricity truck fixing the harmed wires. I saw that the street where the missile hit have a pond in it now after water filled the hole. I wonder when those pipes will get fixed.

I had dinner at home and went out again and talked to some people who actually saw the helicopter opening fire. They said they saw the missile being launched but none of them had a video or a photo of it.

Of course this barely made it into the news since other areas in Homs have been getting hundreds of missiles every hour since early morning like Jorat Al Shayyah, Qusoor, and Karabis.

I saw trails of black smoke all over Qusoor in the afternoon.

July 6^th - 10^th, those days saw a new amount of tank, helicopter, and missile attacks on Jorat Al Shayyah and Qusoor. The attacks start around 3 AM and continue all day. Most of my neighborhood is closed and security forces are always present. Various vehicles come and go. They stay around all day and all night, and they open fire randomly every now and then. My area isn’t a good place to be anymore.

July 11^th, I went to Waar and military helicopters were all over that area all day. A security check point stopped me on my way back home and the one who checked my car looked 19. He gave me a weird look and told me to step down so he can “See my height”, then he took me to his boss who kept my ID for a few moments asked another person to “take me”. They walked me for a few seconds, stopped me and showered me with questions. Where I was, where I was going, why am I going there, and what am I going to do. They asked about my house, my job, my age, etc. The higher officer then looked at me and told them to let me go and gave me my ID back. The only reason they did all this is because that young man didn’t like the way I look. Some people get caught like this then disappear and show up tortured or killed afterwards. It’s not my time I guess.

July 12^th, two massacres in the morning, one in the afternoon and a major one at night. The last massacre occurred in a village near Hama called Tremseh which harvested more than 220 souls. I completely lost all hope in any political peaceful change in Syria. It’s all up to FSA now.

July 13^th, the tank comes a bit late this morning, shoots and leaves like always. Black smoke is all over Qusoor and Jorat Al Shayyah, and some new areas around Mimas.

In the afternoon I was able to see huge columns of black smoke over Jorat Al Shayyah and Karabis and the smoke kept on coming up from those areas for hours after the shelling stopped.

July 14^th, the tank that usually comes to Ghouta came of course, then a second tank followed, and they kept coming, opening fire, and leaving all day, and I’m not sure how many tanks actually came anymore since I lost track because they really did come and leave a lot.

5:30 PM, the attacks got more frequent from those tanks then they left around 6, then came again opened fire and left.

My area has become a playfield for tanks and security forces are always around with their vehicles and pickup trucks, and of course their guns. This changed a lot in the past few days, to the worse, and we’re waiting for something to happen and change all that.